Parent Guide
It’s normal for parents to be nervous about introducing their child to therapy. Therefore, it's important to talk to your child about therapy before their first session as it helps to set expectations and ease any fears they may have. Use the parent guide below to start the conversation.
Tips for talking to your child about therapy:
Know that It can be normal for parents themselves to feel confused or conflicted about the idea of their child seeing a therapist. Before your child begins therapy, it’s important that they understand what therapy is and why they’re going. Sometimes, having this conversation with children can be taxing. Your child might feel embarrassed about coming to therapy or feel reluctant for other reasons.
Steps for having a thoughtful and helpful conversation:
Pick the right time, not during a crisis, ideally a time when you and your child are well-rested and calm. Decide beforehand who you want to be part of the conversation Ideally, give your child several days’ notice before their first appointment
Ask your child what they know about therapy: Understanding what your child might already know about therapy gives you a possible starting point and an opportunity to provide accurate and helpful information.
Talk about the reason for therapy: It can be tempting to ask the therapist to explain this to your child. It’s helpful for children to have some sense of why they’re entering a therapist’s office. This can make the process a little bit less confusing and frightening for them. Let your child know why you think it would be helpful for them to talk to a therapist. keep the conversation centered around your child’s feelings and your desire to help them. Centering their misbehaviors may cause them to see therapy as a punishment. For example, instead of saying, “You’ve been very angry and misbehaving and a therapist can help you figure out why you’re acting this way,” try saying, “I love you, and I’m concerned because you seem distant and angry lately. I hope you can talk to this therapist so you can have a safe place to express how you’ve been feeling.”
Use developmentally appropriate language: The way you explain therapy to your older child will be very different from the way you explain it to an adolescent. Similar to adults, kids like to know what to expect if it’s something new. About a week in advance, begin to talk to them about how the session might look. Encourage them to ask questions. Your child may want to know certain information such as: how long sessions last, what their therapist will be like and if they need to bring anything. If you don’t know the answers, suggest that your child write down their questions to ask their therapist at the first visit.
Do's and dont's
Do: Be positive. You don’t want your child to think there is something wrong with them, that they are a problem or that they’re broken. Explain your concerns and challenges that you’re noticing and convey that you want the best for them. Don’t: Surprise your child with therapy. Do: Meet alone with the therapist beforehand. This can help you know what to expect and how to talk to your child about the session. Don’t: Bring finances into it. Kids can be sensitive to parental worries. If you say something like "they must behave in a session because this is very expensive", it puts undue pressure on the child. Don’t: Use therapy as a form of discipline. This can turn what is supposed to be a resource into a punishment.
Plan how you’ll describe your concerns
Before your first appointment, take some time to think about how to describe your concerns regarding behaviors that are concerning you. The more precise you can be about your concerns, the easier it will be to discuss them. One helpful way to share your concerns is to try to pinpoint and, if possible, quantify what you are seeing at home. Pick specific behaviors and describe their frequency, intensity and duration. Sharing a story about your child’s behavior can also help. For example, instead of saying that your child lashes out and yells, talk about a recent occasion when they had a meltdown and include a lot of detail about how it looked. Be prepared to possibly discuss: What your child was like before you became concerned, what has helped and what hasn’t, Any relevant family background, Any recent stressors or events that your child or family may have struggled with, like a death in the family or starting at a new school.
Normalizing therapy
Helping your child become accustomed to opening up about feelings is a nice introduction to what happens in therapy. Having open conversations with your child about emotions and mental health conditions helps to normalize therapy. Speaking about therapy as something that will help the child rather than making them feel like something is wrong. By openly sharing some of the concerning behaviors that you see, you are modeling that it’s not something to cause shame or embarrassment
Timing matters
Timing for bringing up therapy is not one-size-fits-all. Consider bringing up driving in the car, sharing a meal, over the weekend when things are less busy. How far in advance the child should know about the session depends on how they will handle it. While every kid deserves a heads-up, kids with anxiety may excessively leading up to the appointment. Perhaps a week in advance is a good rule of thumb; however, for anxious kids, the timeline should be shorter –– about two days before the first session. There are also specific times when bringing up therapy could do more harm than good. Avoid bringing it up at bedtime as increased anxiety can impact sleep or lead to rumination ahead of sleeping. Avoid bringing it up during an emotional conflict or argument or use therapy as a punishment –– “See, this is why you’re going to therapy!” The role of therapy is not to punish or shame.
How to talk to older children
For elementary-aged kids, comparing a therapist to their school counselor can be helpful. Even if they don’t see the counselor regularly, they likely know who the person is and their role. They’re likely familiar with the idea of kids speaking with that adult about feelings and behaviors. You can say something along the lines of, “You know how Ms. Smith in your school talks about feelings? We’re going to see someone like that who has their own office and will talk to you about the emotions you’ve been feeling.” If your child seems reluctant or nervous about the appointment, you might say, “We’re going to meet someone new, and I know it can be scary. But I’ve spoken with your therapist, and she assured me I could be in the room with you initially. And I won’t leave until you’re ready for me to leave.” It can also be comforting to let your child know that their family wants to support them through whatever is happening and that they aren’t alone. The therapist will likely send several questionnaires for both the parent and child to complete prior to the first session. This can be a good segue into therapy, as the child can see what questions the therapist might ask. Consider other ways to share information about therapy and their therapist by looking at their website with pictures or videos of themselves.
How to talk to tweens and teens
Tweens and teenagers tend to be aware of what’s happening and might be more reluctant to begin therapy. They likely have their own opinions and often object to outside intervention in their lives. We want teens to view therapy as a safe place to talk about emotions and feel better. Try to not approach the conversation from a problem. Be direct and honest with your teen about why you’re seeking treatment and how it can help them. You can say, “Let’s explore the possibility of therapy because I noticed that you’ve been struggling quite a lot recently” Also, assure your child that whatever is said in therapy is confidential. Beginning therapy by being blindsided, especially a teenager, who typically is starting to feel a little more control over their life is not helpful. It is important to be direct and honest with your teen about why you’re seeking treatment and how it can help them. You can say, “Let’s explore the possibility of therapy because I noticed that you’ve been struggling quite a lot recently” or, “I noticed that you’re not enjoying some of the things you were interested in before.” These conversations allow parents to model emotional awareness, and rather than blaming the teen –– “you need therapy because we’re always not getting along” –– it shows an awareness that the child is struggling.